The one with the Mother's Day letter

To my children on my first Mother's Day....
Usually I start writing these in advance or at least thinking about context and thoughts and direction... this year was different. This year I was a mother and being 24 weeks pregnant planning a nursery, I was also planning a one year old's birthday party. I didn't really have time to think about what it has meant to me to be a mother. So now I sit here, writing as I go... with one down for a much needed nap

and staring at your tired dad sleeping on the couch.

It's my first Mother's Day.... and I find myself surrounded by bottles, diapers, singing toys, board books, and research articles on tips or tricks to help in parenting. I find myself questioning and worrying and reading all sorts of things to ensure I'm making the right decision and doing the right things to be the best mother I can be for you. And to be honest, most days it's a glorious trainwreck ...like walking the tight rope, I'm not sure if I'm moving in the right direction, if I should turn back, or even if there is a net underneath me. I've made decisions I'd redo, I've questioned every step along the way, and sometimes I don't even know the way... But know this my beautiful children - sleeping in your crib and in my belly, I'm trying. I'm trying every day in every way to be what you need from me... granted it may not be what you want but it's not my job to be your fairy godmother, that's what your godmothers are for.

No one gives you a book on how to be a mother, oh sure... there's all sorts of articles and magazines and literature and experts but when it comes to practical application it's a giant guessing game. I want you to have memories and personal roadmarks that you will smile back on. I want to provide you enriching experiences. I want to provide you role models that inspire and challenge you. I have so many wants and I'm not sure if I will get there or if I will even know when I'm there. But remember I'm trying.

I'm not doing this alone, and that's the best part... I'm doing this with a partner that makes me a better person and supports me in ways that I can't describe... from a set of pajamas to a soft hug to the right step in the room at 1:00am... I know I have a partner in this world who loves me for me, is willing to talk things out, handles some of the tough runs, and continues to make me smile. Without him I don't know what type of mother I could/would be.

So I sit here... listening to the tick of a clock in a quiet house with a tickle in my tummy and tears in my eyes on my first mothers day.

Love your mother.