This past weekend, I celebrated 37 years. I also came to an important realization. I used to think I was the ugly duckling, then even a caterpillar, but now I don’t know what to compare myself to. But as I was contemplating my eldest self to-date I thought of one of our trips to the river – the five of us built a reservoir (their dad’s idea) and then we started a river to release the water back to the Missouri. The kids watched the water start from the top and cut the path as it headed down. My dad has said something once that for some reason stuck with me, “water is lazy, it will always go where it’s easy.” We kept up with the reservoir and the water kept cutting the path – deteriorating the sides, becoming deeper, shifting to turn a bit, suddenly creating a tributary, but always going down. At one point the kids had moved on to something else and I looked at that shell that remained from the original reservoir to the dam space to the channel that had become. That’s how I feel, I’m not the water – I’m the channel. Shifting and settling and sometimes the water is coming down hard and fast and sometimes it’s a trickle. I know I’m not the same person I was five years ago and that person is not the same 10 years ago, or fifteen, twenty, and so on. I have continued to change and I anticipate the change will continue as I know I’m not the person I want to be yet.
When you are a kid – you talk about when you are a grown-up and all the things you are going to do and be. When you are a teen you want to be a grown-up. When you are a twenty-some you revel in the invincibility of your life and I wanted to be married, have a career, and a family. In my thirties, I have all those things. There are days I’d like to be a teen, to be a twenty-something with little responsibility but mostly I want to be comfortable with myself and abilities. I feel like there are days when I’m trying too hard and days where I’m not trying hard enough. I am tired – I want to sleep through the night and sleep until 8:30 on the weekend. It’s funny wishing for those things – self-confidence, knowing your own mind, being okay with the world around you, and sleeping in. E and I are working on feeling identification and I find it rather appropriate as I contemplate my own. Maybe I feel cloudy because of the state of affairs this world is in – maybe it’s where I am at in my life but I think the water is going to come hard and fast for a bit – reshaping the landscape. To the future me that reads this… reality check – right now, have you been shaped by the correct landscape and elements? Are you on your right path? Are you providing the examples that you need to for your family?
It was a chill weekend. We did some of my favorite things – we took a walk at the capitol. Matt made some great food – pizza, breakfast chorizo burritos, seafood chowder. The kids picked apples. We attempted to go to the park, we headed to the farm – mom made potato soup, we attempted to nap and play games. I had a donut cake – which the kids thought was fun. I stayed home the next day – took time for me and did things around the house – laundry, washing the floor, vacuuming, bedding, etc. I didn’t talk to a soul, I didn’t make any calls, I sat with my thoughts – funny how things change as you get older and how you appreciate the quiet. I am so lucky to have so many people in my life who care, who think of me, and the family that makes me pictures, that cheers when I wake up, that hug me… I am so lucky to be where I had hoped I'd be and I appreciate those that helped me get here.