The Frozen birthday parade and virtual party

It's Mother's Day. Which is fitting. It's the day after E's fourth birthday party. Birthdays are a big deal to me. I think it's the one time to celebrate an individual - it's not about accomplishments, it's about making someone feel special and when you have two siblings who monopolize time (whether you are E, G, or Ains) birthdays aren't to be taken lightly. Now I've never planned a birthday party during a pandemic. I don't want to ever again. I know I haven't made people happy. Emotions have been high and someday I will look back on this week and not cry. But I hope, Eleanor, you know that I tried my best to do everything for you and to make you feel half as special as you really are.

Matt and I decided to cancel the traditional birthday party mid-April. We talked about possibilities - we talked about online, Matt wanted to just pretend it wasn't her birthday and then it just pop up later when things go back to normal. I pushed for the parade and then the virtual gift opening. We are very lucky to have family that want to be with her and it wasn't an easy decision and I am fully aware it wasn't a popular decision. But it was the decision that we felt was best for what we are aware of.

So there I was... making the cake, planning the banner, we talked presents, we talked about the day, we worked through so many details but I'll admit, Matt and I were both worried that it would come across lack luster and that she would feel slighted, cheated, and lonely.

Now it's been a rough couple months and this past week has been hard. I've made "ice" for the top of the cake with a heat gun, I've called fire stations, police departments, ambulances and I'll be honest, I've had more people hear me cry than I care but at the end of the day. I worked hard to try to build the event that was worthy of her. Last night I went to bed and I can honestly say, her birthday and her has been the best part of the pandemic for me.

Her parade was from 10:30 - 11:30 and when I saw the rain in the forecast my mama bear kicked in and I got worried. I just envisioned us sitting there in the garage shivering in front of an empty street. Far from. From 10:30 - 11:30 the street was busy with friends, family, community members, and daycare friends. At one point there was a lull in the traffic and she was somewhat skipping and hopping around the driveway and I could hear her singing, "I love my parade, I love my parade" and I realized that we did do enough. There were some soft momma tears to my eyes. I
 love that her friends were excited to see her, that
people wanted to wave and even drop off a few presents (actually a ton of presents - it blew my mind). I may be hard on the world sometimes but I don't know if thank-you is enough to those that took the time and effort to wish her well.

After lunch, her brother and sister went to bed and we looked created her birthday book. Friends and family sent pages wishing her well, pictures of themselves and parts of their life. We looked through each page and talked about the people that were in her life. We ended the day with a virtual gift opening. She handled it so well and took it all in. No complaints, no whining, and completely happy. We blew out the candles on her frozen cake and enjoyed a few pieces.

I'm not saying it was the normal and I'm not saying I ever want that type of party again BUT it really was a beautiful day. To me, this is what being a mama is. I know I can't shield her from the harsh world forever but right now it's my job to make her feel special. To cover the floor in balloons so that she wakes up to that and a dining room full of decorations. To make sure she knows that she is a big deal. My only regret is not being able to capture the first 10 minutes of her waking up and hearing how happy she was with everything. I hope to create that joy for the rest of my life in some way.

A letter to my oldest baby -
I love you Eleanor Eileene. With every part of my being. You are my toughest teacher, my greatest worry, one of my
biggest joys, and you make me so proud of you. Your mind works constantly. You are so quick and I love your thirst to learn. You ask questions, you listen when you are interested, your heart is so big. I see you starting to become your own person. I worry about you regularly - are you finding your people in the world, are you finding your voice, are you channeling your power? Am I helping you? Am I giving you what you need in spite of what you want? Am I forcing you to grow up quick? Am I giving you independence and the tools you need for success? I'm not sure. I watch you for signs and you are doing the same to me. Your siblings have an advantage from you as you are teaching me to be a parent - you are putting me through the paces. You are challenging me and I you - sometimes it's good and sometimes we bring out the worst in each other. Know this, my beautiful girl - I will fight for you and I hope you never question my love because it is fierce as I am and as I hope you will be for things that mean something to you. Thank you for being you. Mama.