8 years, weather change, breakfasts out

We celebrated a wedding anniversary. Matt and I joke often that we aren't the people we married. Meaning, he's not the man I married and vice versus - I'm not the woman he married. But to get deep in thoughts quick, we really aren't. Life has changed us. Kids have changed us. The world has changed us. We communicate differently, we have different triggers, different pet peeves, and styles or preferences. But here's where it gets important - we have grown together and instead of holding on to that person that we once were, we have accepted and cherished it. I can't expect him to be the boy I fell in love with and to be honest, I love that man I'm married to in a whole different way, one that is deep, true, forgiving, and playful. He is my person. He is my support system. He answers my call, loves me in spite of my flaws and sassitude, and makes me smile every single day. I think of the children that we are raising together and I've hoped for many things for them... hoped they are kind, tenacious, find happiness, and I continue to want those things for them but probably more than anything I hope that they find and receive love like I have/get from their father. 

We celebrated 8 years together pretty lowkey - we got things that we enjoy, pretzel bites, mussels, sushi, fish dip, and cooked them up together with the kids. As I sipped some great cider and listened to their laughter and chatter I realized that little circle, that I was a part of, was the best thing in my life.  

The week creeped by for the most part - we went on a bike ride. We did the school scene. We had the last hot day of the year (we are guessing). We put on suits and had one shot at the river/dessert - the chill cut a bit more in the air than it had in the past but that didn't stop them from having fun. 

We had some breakfasts out too - Saturday was at the zoo, Sunday was at the airport. Saturday night we headed to Wes and Kristi's for a potential final smore of the season. That was after a day of cleaning - Matt and I went through the garage and worked to organize. There were a lot of things that went out to the curb - which was intentional as it was powwow weekend. We were able to get rid of a TON of things and it felt good to clean a bit more out. 

EER: How do you spell "Free"?
Thinking he heard her wrong, MJR: Free or three?
EER: Free, like grab what you want? F - R - E - E?
MJR: Free, yes, very good!
ALR: Did you see that out on that table?
EER: Yes.
ALR: Good reading!

Grady drawing a family pic.. in order from top (L-R): Matt, me, Lola, Grady, Eleanor, and Ainsley (Green one with less hair) We are at the river. 

SLEDS and photography

Sleds out!!! We got approximately 2 inches of snow. So out came the snow canoes!! This was my favorite part of the weekend. Matt and I talked about going somewhere but instead trekked across the lake and set up shop on the other community side. We spent about an hour out there. Ains gave up well before E or G but the laughter filled the air. It felt light and right and we had the hill to ourselves. A few people have been clearing skating rinks and there was some exposed ice which made for another adventure but it was a well-needed smile that was perfectly timed. This was Sunday mid-morning.

On Saturday, we took some time to clean and straighten the house. It was a full team effort and everybody was willing to help out. E loved gathering up the Christmas stuff to put away. However, she did inform me that it made her sad because that meant that Christmas was over. She did ask if Elton would know that it was all gone. I said, yes - him and Santa would both know. Big news in the cleanup process.... we found the gun keys!!! They were sandwiched between two photos that typically go on the mantel. Obviously, I forgot that hunting season doesn't end until the new year. I'm just glad that we found them and that for the most part Matt wasn't too hurt in the process. 

Ains did not help out as much as her sister - she's into playing alone more than the others were at her age. She will gather her babies and spend time caring for them. She does read books like her sister but she's finding her space in the world. She's in a stage right now that I remember fondly with G - the nodding stage. You ask her a question and you get a fully committed nod. Not a little head jiggle but a full on chin up and down nod. G's made my heart always soften - hers are the same. She doesn't shake her head no, she'll voice that opinion but nods for the yes. I love hearing her say her siblings names - they are clear and sure. We are working on her own name still but haven't heard that belted out yet. 

Sunday afternoon, Rick and Shantelle and Alice stopped by on their way through from a puppy errand. It was fun to catch up and I think they only slightly overwhelmed Alice - so there's progress there! Ha! Eleanor has a beautiful bond with her - which amazes me when you consider they only see each other a few times a year. As I tucked her into bed that night - "Mama, Alices is my best friend and I love her." 

E has fully gotten excited about her Christmas camera. She takes picture and picture and picture. I'm so curious to go through them to see the world through her eye but I've seen the creative process that she engages and I'm a bit concerned. She will take 5 pictures of a piece of fluff on the carpet. There's an avantgarde and then there's this. She does take people pictures and will tell you to pose or to say cheese. I'm not sure the range on things or what she's cutting off or focusing on but she killed me the other night. G was having a meltdown about the wrapping paper roll. He had been beating things and people with it. I got irritated and crushed it and threw it down the stairs. He had a fit and then he moved on. He went downstairs and again saw his shattered dreams and the cry awoke in him again. E determined it would be a good moment to capture this raw emotion and through his entire meltdown took pictures. Bad mom confession: I chuckled a little and didn't even bother to stop her! 

ALR starts to walk on the sidewalk around the block to go to the community side of the lake.
MJR: How about we just walk across the lake?
ALR experiences a duh moment.
Everyone walks down the steps to the lake.
GRR: Where's the water?

Mommying, Capitol, Badlands, New Beds

 So.... honest mom admission. Most people hate Monday mornings. I don't. Sometimes it's really nice to go to work and only worry about me. My co-workers don't bite or pinch each other. I get to pee alone and I soak in 1 to three cups of warm to hot coffee. It feels a bit horrible to admit that but sometimes the time away from my children makes my family stronger. They go to their corners of the world where they have their routines and people - places that I don't know how they work or what the schedules are, I don't manage the relationships or their time and it's nice. At the end of the day, we've gotten into the routine where we sit around the supper table and usually E manages the conversation but we share about our day. Sometimes she has people raise their hands and sometimes she determines the order. The girl has some serious leadership and micromanagement skills but for the most part we are all okay with it. 

It's nice to hear about their perspective. E and I talk a bit on the way home about her day and sometimes I have a heads up due to teacher notes or emails about what they are working on but I'm only getting the 30K foot view. Ains day's are a bit jibberish but the girl is a copycat. She soaks so much in and regurgitates it quickly. Grady rocks his fork on the table, Ainsley rocks her. E throws her hands up in the air, Ains throws hers up. Mom taps the table to get everyone's attention, Ains taps the table. Dad puts his head in his hands, Ains puts hers in her hands. 

This past weekend Matt headed to the badlands to do a boys' hunting trip. Being alone with all three

kids isn't as hard as it used to be but I did tell him when he got home that there will be no more of us leaving each other until we only have one struggling on the potty. I spent so much time in the bathroom or chasing people to get to the bathroom or changing pull-ups and then finding where the others had gone, I was a bit tired of that particular room. 

I tried to go out and do as much, especially as the weather has been good. We took the wagon up to the Capitol for a nature walk and stick find. They were so good and listened well. We came home, had lunch and I began to put them down for naps. I got Ains down and when I came out I saw E and G - they had gotten into the dress clothes. It warmed my heart to see them playing and working together. It's these moments when I realize how they see each other. 

Earlier in the week, we did a thing. We got E and G big beds. They were both put in their cribs from day one and have transitioned to lowest setting, toddler roll bar, to daybed. The other night when I came in the room, E's toes were out the rails of the bed. We figured it was time. So while they were at daycare on Veteran's Day, we got the frames set, purchased the mattresses, and made the beds. That night, we didn't tell them. The first one to find the new beds was Ains... she thought it was so fun to crawl up and sit on their big twin beds. G was the next to find - he was excited to yell down and let E know. They were excited about new bedding, new beds, and the changes. It's amazing how much room the beds take up but they fit so well and for the most part have slepts well. Ains gets frustrated when the stepstools are set up as she can't hoist herself up but the most heartbreaking thing was after the bigs looked at their beds, Ains went tearing off to her room to see what she had gotten. We did buy her some panties and she was excited about that but I'm not sure it's quite on the same level. 

The Frozen birthday parade and virtual party

It's Mother's Day. Which is fitting. It's the day after E's fourth birthday party. Birthdays are a big deal to me. I think it's the one time to celebrate an individual - it's not about accomplishments, it's about making someone feel special and when you have two siblings who monopolize time (whether you are E, G, or Ains) birthdays aren't to be taken lightly. Now I've never planned a birthday party during a pandemic. I don't want to ever again. I know I haven't made people happy. Emotions have been high and someday I will look back on this week and not cry. But I hope, Eleanor, you know that I tried my best to do everything for you and to make you feel half as special as you really are.

Matt and I decided to cancel the traditional birthday party mid-April. We talked about possibilities - we talked about online, Matt wanted to just pretend it wasn't her birthday and then it just pop up later when things go back to normal. I pushed for the parade and then the virtual gift opening. We are very lucky to have family that want to be with her and it wasn't an easy decision and I am fully aware it wasn't a popular decision. But it was the decision that we felt was best for what we are aware of.

So there I was... making the cake, planning the banner, we talked presents, we talked about the day, we worked through so many details but I'll admit, Matt and I were both worried that it would come across lack luster and that she would feel slighted, cheated, and lonely.

Now it's been a rough couple months and this past week has been hard. I've made "ice" for the top of the cake with a heat gun, I've called fire stations, police departments, ambulances and I'll be honest, I've had more people hear me cry than I care but at the end of the day. I worked hard to try to build the event that was worthy of her. Last night I went to bed and I can honestly say, her birthday and her has been the best part of the pandemic for me.

Her parade was from 10:30 - 11:30 and when I saw the rain in the forecast my mama bear kicked in and I got worried. I just envisioned us sitting there in the garage shivering in front of an empty street. Far from. From 10:30 - 11:30 the street was busy with friends, family, community members, and daycare friends. At one point there was a lull in the traffic and she was somewhat skipping and hopping around the driveway and I could hear her singing, "I love my parade, I love my parade" and I realized that we did do enough. There were some soft momma tears to my eyes. I
 love that her friends were excited to see her, that
people wanted to wave and even drop off a few presents (actually a ton of presents - it blew my mind). I may be hard on the world sometimes but I don't know if thank-you is enough to those that took the time and effort to wish her well.

After lunch, her brother and sister went to bed and we looked created her birthday book. Friends and family sent pages wishing her well, pictures of themselves and parts of their life. We looked through each page and talked about the people that were in her life. We ended the day with a virtual gift opening. She handled it so well and took it all in. No complaints, no whining, and completely happy. We blew out the candles on her frozen cake and enjoyed a few pieces.

I'm not saying it was the normal and I'm not saying I ever want that type of party again BUT it really was a beautiful day. To me, this is what being a mama is. I know I can't shield her from the harsh world forever but right now it's my job to make her feel special. To cover the floor in balloons so that she wakes up to that and a dining room full of decorations. To make sure she knows that she is a big deal. My only regret is not being able to capture the first 10 minutes of her waking up and hearing how happy she was with everything. I hope to create that joy for the rest of my life in some way.

A letter to my oldest baby -
I love you Eleanor Eileene. With every part of my being. You are my toughest teacher, my greatest worry, one of my
biggest joys, and you make me so proud of you. Your mind works constantly. You are so quick and I love your thirst to learn. You ask questions, you listen when you are interested, your heart is so big. I see you starting to become your own person. I worry about you regularly - are you finding your people in the world, are you finding your voice, are you channeling your power? Am I helping you? Am I giving you what you need in spite of what you want? Am I forcing you to grow up quick? Am I giving you independence and the tools you need for success? I'm not sure. I watch you for signs and you are doing the same to me. Your siblings have an advantage from you as you are teaching me to be a parent - you are putting me through the paces. You are challenging me and I you - sometimes it's good and sometimes we bring out the worst in each other. Know this, my beautiful girl - I will fight for you and I hope you never question my love because it is fierce as I am and as I hope you will be for things that mean something to you. Thank you for being you. Mama.

Alice, Soundtrack, Pickle, Fairy Garden, Boppy

We headed to Dickinson this past weekend. The main purpose was for Ains's 1 year photoshoot. It's hard to believe we are knocking on her first birthday. The best byproduct was spending some time and the night at Rick and Shantelle's. We haven't seen them for ages and even longer to actually have a good conversation. The kids played relatively well. We were a bit adventurous thinking the girls could sleep in the same room yet but they'll get there someday.

Grady and Ains loved Alice's toys. Alice had a carving set and Ains thought the cleaver knife was the cat's meow. She carried it all over the house. Now Grady was so impressed with Alice's organization - which he wrecked - and her full kitchen. He served pizza with condiments up to everyone multiple times. I felt a bit bad for Alice as I know that my three tornados in her space may have been a bit hard - I don't blame her, sometimes I wish they'd keep their grubby paws off my stuff too!

We also had a big breakthrough for our eldest daughter. Long ago she was "blessed" with an alarm clock from someone very special and we "thank" them mentally for this gift (#youknowwhoyouare). On said alarm clock is Anna and Elsa and when you push the button on the back 30 solid seconds of Frozen plays. The same 30 seconds - no matter how many times you push the button. She continues to push the button over and over and over again. It begged a question from Matt and the serious discussion of whether or not to get a music subscription so we at least can hear the rest of the song. We did and she was mystified. She sat for 25 minutes straight and listened to the Frozen soundtrack. I believe I may have been given World's Best Mom award for that hour.

 Over the past week, we've been counting down days until they could decorate their valentine's day boxes. We headed out to the farm and after dinner, G made his pickle box and E made her flower and butterfly garden. They did pretty well and were so proud of what they did!

Meanwhile, Ainsley has found a new space in the kitchen. Grady brought out the boppy - a u-shaped pillow that we used when she was a baby. He did it for her... and she's taken it over as her little seat in the kitchen. She lounges in the pillow, brings her things there, sits in it, stands by it. It's her little place in the world.

Driving home
EER: Mom, we decorate our valentine's day boxes tonight? Miss Heather put up read hearts and said it's going to be Valetine's Day soon and we need to have our boxes ready.
GRR: Valentine's Day!
ALR: We can't decorate yet, we will decorate with Grandma and Grandpa. We will do that this weekend. We have to go to bed and have five sleeps.
EER: Five snores?
ALR: Ha, yes, five snores.