I've been super busy at work working on the conference and I've also been pulled into another event for the Gov office on addiction and recovery - where I went to Fargo. I set up registration, went to the hotel for a nap, went back to registration worked it the entire day and then went home.
But those things weren't hard. Those things just kept me busy. The hard thing was losing Janie. She passed on Monday from a stroke that occurred Sunday night. I've had some loss before - I've said goodbye to my Grandfather and my great Grandmother who I have memories with. I've known others that have had an impact on my life in one way or another but this one was one of the worst to hit me. It wasn't her time. She was my person, I was her girl. Even though it has been a bit since she's passed it still doesn't feel right or even real. I still tear up thinking about her and I'm not sure when I won't. I miss her so much. I want to talk to her.
I have so much guilt knowing that I was to come this month and her and I were going to work out the details of her funeral. She had given me a little direction but we hadn't set anything in stone. It's like she had an inkling it's been coming. She'd been having some health issues, especially over the past month but I hadn't prepared myself for this loss.
Janie's and I's relationship grew in October of 2007, when I moved to Dickinson. She had agreed to let me stay with her while my housing situation settled. It was only supposed to be 2 or 3 weeks. Due to situations with house I was buying, it ended up being 6 weeks. Those six weeks changed my life. I've never had a person be so completely mine and about me. Don't get me wrong, my parents have loved me and my husband loves me but Janie treated me different. She would wake up every morning and we'd have breakfast (sometimes she'd prep it for me sometimes she'd just keep me company). I'd go to work and she'd go back to bed - she was not a morning person. Midday, I'd come home for lunch and we'd talk about our days and discuss what Martha Stewart was up to - which she always had on. At 5:00 - I'd come home and she'd have happy hour ready, we'd sit down and analyze what happened and she'd want to know what I was working on, who I met with, what was happening... we'd finish up dinner and take it and the three of us (including Jerry) would watch it on trays downstairs. Usually in front of a Men, Men, Men (AKA Two and a Half Men). Her and I would usually stay up later than Jerry talking or watching TV with the captions on and then we'd head off to bed for the next day. Some nights would be in the garden, some nights looking at things.. but I realized how much we were kindred souls... so much alike.
Our relationship grew over the past 10 years. She became an essence of my being and I was so proud to name Eleanor after her and I know it touched her that I did that. I find myself combing through my memory trying to think of all the things she said and all the things we did in order to preserve pieces of her. The loss of her will probably be the greatest loss that I feel outside of my parents, husband, and forbid it, my children. She wasn't an aunt - she was my person who was completely on my side who took my side no matter what and I poured out my soul often to her looking and receiving answers.I'm sad that she will slip from Eleanor's developing memory, I wanted them to have a relationship to understand each other... to cherish each other as I do both of them. I wanted Eleanor to see the person that impacted me so that she understood the significance of the decision. I am sad she will not see this new baby. I am glad that our last conversation on the phone was of me telling her about it and hearing the excitement in her voice for us while she prepared to binge watch TV while she recovered and repaired herself from her last health bout. I am sad I wasn't able to help prepare her last moments to be what she wanted exactly. I'm sad. I'm fall down, horrid, heartbroken sad.
I went to her house to help prepare pictures for the slide show that she wanted... "Don't put pictures on a board at the funeral home... I'm not a 5th grade art project. I want a classy slide show or movie."
It was hard. Her bed was just as it was when she got up, her 9 pound purse sat by her coat in the chair, her fridge was bursting at the scene (I didn't bother to count the mustard bottles), her shoes were there beside her chair and by her closet, her water glass and napkin were right there. It's like she was there... her essence just waiting for her life to come back to it. Her crossword wasn't finished, her papers unfiled, her lists started but nothing crossed out. I was on that list... I wanted so badly to know what she had planned - to call and chat? to write?The funeral was on the 10th. It wasn't her funeral - or to me it didn't feel that way. But it's over.
The hardest part of my day came towards the end. We pulled up to the house as Jerry had invited us over with the rest of the family and Eleanor knew. "There's Janie's house!" She knew. And when we got inside it wasn't easier.. she kept looking for Janie, asking where she was. All I kept telling her was that Janie was gone. How do you explain death to a 2 year old looking for her friend? And the answer didn't suffice her.. she'd ask again "Where's Janie?" Eleanor, if you read this when you are older it made my heart burst from love and sadness when you asked. It made me so happy that you remembered her for the impact that she had in the short span of your life and it brought me to my knees knowing that she was gone and your relationship with her would have to exist only in the past.
The last time I saw her was in June when we came back from the wedding. We stopped both ways on that trip, going down with Matt and the kids and coming back with my parents and the kids. The last time I saw her and final time I said good bye is one I won't forget. Everyone had gone outside to get in the car but Eleanor's diaper had to be changed so Mom, Janice, and Grady stayed outside while I changed E's diaper. When I came back Janice had Grady's door open and was talking to him while he was in his car seat. She looked at me and said, "he's been waving to me." Grady hadn't started waving yet so I thought she had some wishful thinking but as I looked down at Grady, she was right. He was sitting there waving good bye to her with the softest and most gentle wave.Janice Sedivec, 80, West Fargo, ND, died September 3, 2018, at Sanford Health Medical Center in Fargo.
Janice Eileene Dagman was born in Moore Township, Ransom County, ND, on August 8, 1938. She graduated from Enderlin High School in 1955. She was active in 4H.
Janice married Wayne Sedivec in 1956. She graduated from Moorhead State College. She had two sons, David in 1958 and Douglas in 1960. Following her time raising her family, her work history included library assistant and financial aid advisor at Concordia College, Director of Volunteers for the Regional Science Center MSU and Center for Parents and Children.
Her favorite times were surrounded by her friends and family. Whether it was playing hostess or just catching up, Janice’s smile and laughter could light a room. Her other interests included gardening, traveling, genealogy of the Fraser family, fantasy football, and continued learning and self-education.
She was preceded in death by her parents, Wesley and Mary Eva Dagman, as well as her brother, Merlyn. She is survived by her long-term partner, Jerry Lund; her sons, David, of Moorhead, MN and Douglas, of Littleton, CO; grandchildren, Ryan and Morgan, of Littleton, CO, and sister, Phyllis Himmerick, of Fargo.
A memorial service will be held on Monday, September 10, 2018, at 1:00 P.M., at Grace United Methodist Church in Moorhead. Friends and family may gather together from 12:00 to 1:00 P.M.
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